Parenting: Raise Yourself Before You Raise Your Kids – Sadhguru

  • Admin
  • August 30, 2018
  • Comments Off on Parenting: Raise Yourself Before You Raise Your Kids – Sadhguru

Transcript

00:07
Questioner: Pranam Sadhguru.
00:08
One of the tasks that we are given
00:10
and trying to do it is to raise the
00:12
taking care of the kid
00:14
taking care of your children at home,
00:18
but we are troubled with we
00:20
whenever we to make a decision or not to make a decision
00:22
get troubled with like what to consider
00:24
or what not to consider.
00:26
Can you give us some perspective about
00:28
something that we should think while making a decision
00:33
or not making a decision for the kids?
00:36
Sadhguru: Why are you making all the decisions for them?
00:37
Questioner: (Laughs) That’s the trouble.
00:40
I am sure that I am not the right person to make the decision,
00:44
but should that be made or not like
00:47
what do I do when I need to do something?
01:02
Sadhguru: First thing, we need to understand is
01:07
children only come through you,
01:10
they don’t come from you.
01:14
They are not your property
01:16
to be conducted whichever way you feel fit.
01:20
No, they are not.
01:22
If you treat them as your property
01:25
or your future investment –
01:28
if you treat them as such,
01:30
you are committing a certain sacrilege against Creation and the Creator
01:35
for which there will be a price.
01:40
Simply it’ll come in the form of life
01:42
or maybe it’ll come in the form of your children –
01:45
the price.
01:48
Yes,
01:48
it’ll be very unfortunate to see that.
01:52
I am saying this –
01:54
a very cruel thing to say to any parent,
01:57
but I am saying this
01:59
because it’s a very cruel thing to parent a child.
02:05
The child doesn’t need that,
02:08
but please see in so many ways,
02:10
you’re doing everything possible
02:12
to see that he remains dependent on you
02:16
in some way or the other.
02:18
You are not thinking of liberating him.
02:21
So, the moment you start working,
02:25
you want your children to be attached to you, isn’t it?
02:29
Well, you yourself open Bhagavat Gita
02:32
and read and say ‘You should not be attached,
02:34
you should not be attached’,
02:35
you tell your wife
02:36
‘See don’t be attached to me
02:38
But your children,
02:39
you want them attached to you.
02:42
So
02:44
before you choose to have children,
02:46
you must think about these things
02:48
but if already it’s happened,
02:50
now… at least now you must think about it properly, seriously.
02:54
One thing is
02:57
if you want to produce something little better than yourself to the world,
03:02
hmm?
03:03
It’s important?
03:04
If you produce a child,
03:06
it must be at least one step better than you, isn’t it?
03:10
If the same nonsense is going to happen once again,
03:14
what’s the point?
03:18
So, something better than you has to happen means
03:21
the first and most fundamental thing is
03:23
you are one hundred percent straight –
03:26
even if it is embarrassingly straight,
03:28
you’re one hundred percent straight is important.
03:34
This is something very hard for most parents
03:36
because that’s the only place where they get to boss around.
03:40
They have a committed audience in their children.
03:42
Wherever else they speak, nobody will listen to them,
03:46
children till they become twelve years of age
03:50
thirteen is dangerous
03:53
till they become twelve years of age
03:55
you have a committed audience.
03:56
You are losing that also, many of you much earlier, isn’t it? (Laughs)
04:02
Yes,
04:03
much earlier you’re losing it.
04:07
So
04:09
how old are they?
04:13
Hmm?
04:14
Questioner: Four.
04:15
Sadhguru: Okay,
04:15
there’s enough room for correction. (Laughs)
04:18
You must do this –
04:22
stop parenting them.
04:24
What they need is some good company,
04:27
not a bloody boss walking around in the house.
04:32
Yes or no?
04:33
When you were growing up, did you like it,
04:35
being talked down to?
04:37
Did you like it?
04:39
No.
04:40
So what they need is a friend,
04:42
they don’t need a bloody father and mother.
04:45
That job is already done.
04:47
Fathering somebody, mothering somebody means
04:51
biologically delivering them –
04:53
that’s been done.
04:55
Now they’re trying to become a life by themselves –
04:57
what they need is a friend.
05:00
The only qualification you have against them
05:04
or over them is
05:06
you came here a few years earlier than them –
05:09
that’s all you have.
05:11
What else do you have, I am asking?
05:13
Are you sure you are more intelligent than your child?
05:16
Are you sure?
05:19
Hmm?
05:20
What?
05:21
Participant: We are sure we are not.
05:22
Sadhguru: Yes.
05:26
So
05:29
the most important thing you need to understand,
05:31
just you came here a few years earlier than them
05:35
All you have done is a few years earlier you landed here –
05:38
beyond that, you have no other qualification to tell them
05:41
what to do and what not to do.
05:43
Yes or no?
05:44
But, the other consideration is,
05:50
if you don’t tell them somebody else
05:53
unqualified advice on the street will happen.
05:56
You only have to guard them against that
06:00
but if you have to guard them against that,
06:02
that you must have the courage to bring them up in such a way
06:06
that they don’t take any advice from you either.
06:11
You say
06:12
“What I say, you must listen,
06:13
but don’t listen to your friend.
06:15
He is telling you take a drug,
06:16
don’t listen to him.”
06:19
But what the friend says seems to be more of a pleasure
06:22
than the nonsense that you’re talking about.
06:25
That’s a fact, isn’t it?
06:27
So, it’s not going to work
06:29
If you bring up your child with a
06:31
such a fierce sense of his own intelligence and his own decisions,
06:40
then you will see,
06:42
he will seek help because
06:44
he will very easily realize
06:47
that his intelligence, his understanding is not good enough for everything.
06:52
But if you bring him up that he has to listen to your advice,
06:57
he will come up with rebelliousness.
07:00
Even when good things are said,
07:01
he won’t do that –
07:03
he will do the reverse of it.
07:04
This is something that most parents are experiencing, isn’t it?
07:09
He wants to do just the reverse of it,
07:11
just to feel independent
07:12
because he doesn’t know what it means to be independent.
07:16
So, four is not bad.
07:20
Now you can start treating them
07:24
as just one more person,
07:26
not as my child, my child.
07:28
It is not yours, I am telling you.
07:31
At the most, you’ve given some genetic substance to create a body
07:34
you can’t create a life
07:36
don’t have such grandiose ideas about yourself.
07:40
You cannot create a life.
07:42
You just provided some substance
07:45
some genetic substance to make a body.
07:48
Yes?
07:50
That too you did not think about all these things –
07:53
out of your own compulsions,
07:54
you do something and they land up.
07:58
Yes?
08:01
So
08:02
understanding that a child is not your making,
08:07
it’s a privilege they come through you
08:10
enjoy the privilege,
08:11
cherish the privilege,
08:13
respect the privilege.
08:14
Do not abuse the privilege that’s been given to you.
08:17
It’s very important.
08:19
Why are you brought up this or that?
08:22
You are supposed to grow up as a human being, isn’t it?
08:26
It is just that most people never create an atmosphere for people to grow,
08:31
they’re brought up the way you want them to be,
08:35
not the way they should be as life.
08:37
If you are not ramming up nonsense into their head,
08:41
they have a tremendous sense of observation
08:44
and observation naturally pops up a million questions.
08:49
You answer as many questions as you can
08:52
the way you know it.
08:54
What you don’t know you just tell them ‘I don’t know.
08:57
My only problem is I came a few years earlier than you
09:01
this doesn’t mean I know everything.’
09:03
Admit it to your children, what’s the problem?
09:06
Yes?
09:08
You think they can’t read,
09:10
you’re not even bloody sincere about things that you’re saying.
09:13
You think they can’t see it?
09:17
If you think they can’t see it,
09:18
I want you to know by the time they are ten – twelve, thirteen,
09:22
if they have some problem within them,
09:25
they don’t come to you, they go to their friends.
09:27
Why?
09:28
Because they feel they’re more sincere than you.
09:31
No other reason.
09:33
Yes or no?
09:36
You are acting like you’ll drop from heaven.
09:39
Who wants to listen to your nonsense
09:43
unless they are so bloody brainwashed by the time they are ten-twelve.
09:47
They will not listen.
09:48
Any intelligent human being will not listen to bullshit.
09:52
Yes or no?
09:53
Unless you’re brought up on it seriously.
09:58
So,
10:02
just handle this privilege sensibly, respectfully
10:06
do not abuse this privilege.
10:08
Just you have to protect them from wrong influences.
10:12
Rest, leave them free.
10:14
If you think they will anyway go wrong
10:17
that must be your own self-knowledge. (Laughs)
10:22
You are so sure of yourself
10:25
‘My children bound to go wrong.’ (Laughs)
10:29
Just protect them from
10:31
you have to protect them a little bit from wrong influences,
10:35
but at the same time, they must remain free of your influence,
10:38
which is also a bad influence.
10:41
I am saying
10:43
if you show that what you’re doing is of real worth
10:47
and you’re willing to invest your life in that,
10:50
why would your children not invest their life in it?
10:53
If you don’t show that commitment
10:56
if you do not show that involvement with life
10:59
and you’re expecting them to become wonderful whatever
11:03
no,
11:03
it will not happen
11:05
and they don’t listen to what rubbish you say.
11:07
They’re observing what you do and how you are, isn’t it?
11:11
So, if you want to raise children,
11:13
please raise yourself –
11:15
don’t worry about the children
11:16
just raise yourself into a wonderful human being,
11:19
make yourself that,
11:20
it will reflect.
11:22
It cannot go wrong, but there’s no guarantee. (Laughter)
11:31
Like in… everything in life,
11:33
there’s no guarantee
11:34
because there may be some other stronger influence on the street side, isn’t it? (Laughs)